I just keep wondering when I won't be sick, or sad or afraid anymore.

Two days ago I had a sudden onset a-typical migraine. It started with crazy visual distortions that made it so I couldn't focus on my own face in the mirror. Everything was rippling and waving like a lake at dawn when every crest is frosted with light. Slowly my head began to hurt and then after that the nausea started. By this time I was in the doctor's with my husband and they decided to give me three shots to help the pain and the nausea. I jumped when the second needle hit my tush. After the amount of time they believed it would take for me to begin feeling better, I wasn't. So they sent my husband and I to the ER. I threw up outside. In the ER they tested my cognition and coordination again to see just how likely it was that this was a migraine and not a brain tumor. I passed all my tests and they decided to give me more drugs, and if those didn't work, I would then need a CAT scan. They gave me an IV with a cocktail of drugs which included benadryl. It knocked me on my arse. After a while they woke me up and I was feeling better so we went home. I went to bed at 8:30 pm and slept until 9 am the next day. Even after that I still felt groggy from the drugs.

Anyway, that was the latest episode. I'm just always amazed at the random things that happen to me. Two months ago I felt a sharp pain in my chest first thing in the morning. I knew it wasn't my heart because it was on the wrong side and it was more acute when I moved a certain way. Nonetheless, the pain was sharp and I couldn't do anything for a whole day. Over the course of several days the pain went away. Very weird.

I can't wait for the day when I just feel well all the time. I especially can't wait for the day when I no longer have illogical fears over issues of daily life. As of yet, my anxiety is untreated and so I still find myself battling nonsensical issues in my inner psyche. I'm afraid of so many things, even to call the doctor to make an appointment to deal with my anxiety. Catch 22. Oh well.

Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't have all the illnesses, all the physical and the mental ones, if I would really be the kind of person that so many people think I am: someone who is grossly talented and intelligent, and capable of doing anything at all, just so long as I want to. Teachers and friends have thought that about me my whole life but I've never been that person. Never ever.

I may never know what I could be unhampered. It may be that the true test of my existence will be to create beauty hampered and greatness fettered. That is what most of us are doing, isn't it?