Of One Thing Only Am I Queen

I've always loved going to the Dentist. Even as a child I had a great love for clean teeth and brushed my teeth often and well. I remember going to our family dentist, also a close family friend, and loving every second of my teeth cleaning. That slick-tooth feeling you get after having your teeth cleaned was as good as getting a lollipop. Maybe better.

I know, I was a strange kid. I'm sure now that the only reason I was able to enjoy the dentist office so much was because of all that icky fluoride I was asked to bite down on, over and over. That was the only part I hated. There was something about biting down on gummy-filled foam that never tasted like what they said it would taste like that made me want to gag and puke. In hindsight, I'm grateful.

You see, I've never had a cavity in all my 27 years of life. Not a single, tiny one. What's more, and this has nothing to do with fluoride, I never even had braces or a retainer. My teeth are naturally straight, adequately spaced, and though I have a small mouth, there's almost nothing wrong with anything in it.

Also, and I hear this is very strange, I don't even have a single wisdom tooth in my jawbone. They're just not there.

So there you have it. No cavities, no wisdom teeth, no braces or retainers. I'm the freak of nature every mother hopes she'll have.

At this point I'm just waiting to see how long my streak will last. I keep wondering every time I go to the dentist, "Is this the time they'll find a cavity? Is my reign as queen of tooth perfection coming to an end?" But as always, I come out with a perfect score.

Going to the dentist for me is a bit like going to a major awards ceremony. I am lauded and praised and wowed over as if I'd floated in the door from some dental nirvana. Often the dental hygienist or dentist are so amazed by my clean mouth and track record that they have to call someone else in the room and tell them about it.

"Did you know she's never had a cavity?"

"What? No!"

"And she never had braces either!"

"You're kidding me! Her teeth are as straight as a ruler!"

And so on.

The dentist's office is the one place I can go where everything in the world is going right with me. The rest of my life may be in tatters, job hopeless, relationships strained, body sagging, but at the dentist I am perfection itself, the paragon of dental triumph, and everybody's best friend.

Now if you'll excuse me. It's time for me to go polish all my perfectly enameled trophies.